I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
