Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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