I think I won the penis lottery.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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