i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
