I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
