We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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