goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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