I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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