I'm so fucking centered right now
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
