My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
