I just saw a hot homeless man
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
