The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
