you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
