zippers are such a cool invention
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
