Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
