p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
this hospital has no fireball
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
