Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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