Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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