No awkward lesbian experiences without me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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