WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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