I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
