just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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