I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
