I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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