I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she peed on how many people?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
