Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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