i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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