Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize