Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
