He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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