Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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