sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm like, not good at living.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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