NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
