i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
