My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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