So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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