his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
