I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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