Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
