You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize