If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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