She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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