I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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