Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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