Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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