They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
