Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
