Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
