My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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