i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
