Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize