mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
