you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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