life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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