Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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